“Private” Issues
This weekend I had something really strange happen to me. I’m going to bring this up knowing that not many people would understand my side of the story, but nevertheless, I shall share.
I was hanging out with some friends, playing games, when I grabbed a person’s phone who was a part of the game playing, and started going through their text messages. I wasn’t reading their text messages, I was simply seeing who they were corresponding with. They became a bit upset with me for not respecting their “personal space.”
Now, that sounds bad even to me as I write it, but before you go off on some sort of tirade about me not respecting people, please know that this person is very very close to me (and no, I’ll never tell you who it is). And I know a lot about this person’s life already, so I really wasn’t thinking it was a big deal. In fact, it wasn’t a big deal until it was made big deal, if that makes sense.
Now I don’t think my friend is doing anything wrong, but having gone through the situation a few points come to mind that I’ve been thinking of anyway:
1. It was my bad, I shouldn’t have looked at (his/her) phone messages.
2. I now wonder, since there was a big problem with it, if there was something to hide.
3. I think cell phones (and specifically cell phone privacy) can be really damaging to relationships, authenticity,and accountability.
I’ll explain number 3, but before I do, let me say that what happened yesterday is simply reminding me to say this, and I don’t think this is the case with my friend. I’ve seen husbands, wives, pastors, leaders, teachers, and friends use the cell phone as a tool to keep their life private away from their spouses, staff members, and friends. Because of my own foolish experiences in the mid 90′s, I have been made more sensative and have now seen and projected in my mind over 5 affairs because of “privacy” issues that develop via the cell phone or instant messaging. It goes something like this:
Person is discontent in some way in their life -> Person finds a friend they can confide in that is not in their normal circle of friends, and would feel guilty if someone knew that were confiding -> Person finds a “private way” to connect with confiding friend (who, except for an obvious exception is a member of the opposite gender). -> Relationship goes farther than intended ->Families, communities, and in some cases, cultures, get hurt by the implications of the relationship.
Now I’m not advocating for the right to look at everyones phones, in fact, I don’t want you to look at my phone. But I’ll tell you this – There should never (outside of a surprise party) be a time when my wife or my closest friends shouldn’t be able to glance at my phone to see who I’m calling or messaging. Cause if I have a problem with it…
Who knows what I’m doing with my time?
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good thoughts bro!
Marty Bay-bay! Some real food for thought there… I’ll try not to hurt myself
Since I don’t socialize real well with people in person (which I attribute to asperger’s syndrome), I’m all about electronic communications…. especially WRITTEN
… [doggone it... I must have hit the return key by accident]…
especially WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS. One must remember these technological gadgets are but a TOOL that may expedite a process such as you have described, but they are not a cause of affairs or infidelity or whatever. And I know that at least one e-friend of mine (yes, a woman divorcee who lives in Kansas City MO and who I have “known” for several years by blogging) has an ex-husband who cheated on her and his cell phone was a big part of how he communicated with the “other woman”. In fact, this woman actually heard her ex advising one of his friends at some party that if one wants to have an affair, to just use the cell phone!
Oh, and… I have quite a few female “friends” through blogging whom I have never met in real life… only one lives here in MA, and really, I have no real desire to meet any of them in person. It is the anonymity that allows me to open up and let it all hang out on the blog… if the anonymity were to be shattered, the blog would be pretty much useless to me. Still, these people have, at one time or another, been regular readers and supporters. Still, if my wife were to see some of the crap I put up on that blog, I’m sure her feelings would be hurt… yet another reason I guard the anonymity.
And that basically touches on the subject you’re touching on…. if someone were to get ahold of my Palm 700wx, they would find a bookmark on my internet explorer that would take them right to my blog… While I challenge you or anyone else to go and find something I am doing “wrong” on the blog, it is the anonymity of the blog that makes it useful to me. So I would be very upset if someone wree to get onto either my smartphone or my computer because that anonymity could be compromised.
Now, what you have described is a bit differeetn… you’re talking TEXT messages. I can say definitively the ONLY person I text is MY WIFE. Still, I would feel violated if someone were to read those… but we would not have a big fight over it, however. There really isn’t anything very perosnal in my text messages… either outgoing or incoming. Mostly just notes like, “baseball practice at 6 tonite… running late… bring Logan and I’ll meet you there.”
So, I guess… if a GUY is doing very much texting of any FEMALES other than his wife, that would raise a big red flag in my mind. Texting is a much more personal form of communication than one might suspect… while it is TEXT, it comes into your phone… wherever you are… instantly. It tends to demand INSTANT attention from the reader and is, in my opinion, mor intrusive than a telephone call because if NOW isn’t a good time to talk, most people just let it ring to voice mail. But texts don’t wait… they hit and tend to get read even if NOW isn’t ordinarily a good time to talk. So I can see how texting can promote intimacy even more quickly than a phone call can.
In summary, I do quite a bit of electronic communication…. my preferred method of communication is e-mail, by far. Especially at work… it allows me to document a convo and to sort convos by client or by project, etc, and they can be archived for future reference. And since I can type almost as fast as I can talk, it is a fairly efficient means of communication.
But how many women do I e-mail besides my wife? NONE with any regularity. I have had a few of these blogging women send me an occasional e-mail, which I will answer. But I don’t carry on any extended conversations or relationships by e-mail… usually it’s just a short exchange of comments… and that doesn’t happen with any regularity at all…. except with my wife. Of course, my wife wouln’t appreciate it if she knew I were even doing that much, but she’d probably be more peeved to find out all the crap I’ve had to say about her…. most of which i have said to her face at one time or another.
No wonder we’re getting a divorce, I suppose… but that really has more to do with our growing apart than anything else. And, no, neither of us are having any affair or anything like that.
But even with our going through a divorce, she’s still the only person I text…. at all. I just can’t imagine a married man having any legitimate reason to be exchanging any lengthy text convos with any female other than his wife. In fact, the only time I think I ever texted any female other than my wife was when our babysitter drove off and left her sunglasses at our house. Texting was quick and instantaneous and conveys a very short message like, “you left your sunglasses here” very efficiently without having the awkwardness of having to say anything else. But that’s the only time I can even think of that I ever even texted any other woman at all for any reason!
And, as I said, I’m very BIG on electronic communications. Point being, if I have a problem with it, it probably really is an issue.
Now…. that brings us to the next topic, though, which is your overstepping your own boundaries. Even if the other person is having an affiar… in fact, let’s suppose they are, for the sake of argument. And let’s suppose they are either very close friends of yours or perhaps even a sibling or a sibling-in-law. That affair is still none of your business!
In fact, I think a minister has to be especially cautious about overstepping boundaries because a good deal of what makes you useful to others is TRUST… people’s TRUST in you as a minister. If you violate boundaries under any circumstances, that trust can be shattered at worst, or diluted at best, and without trust in you, you’re just another schmuck on the street like Uneasy Rider…. and believe me, no one wants to come to me for spiritual guidance!
On the other hand, I do think a pastor CAN pull a person aside and ask questions (respectully, of course), that even a close friend may hesitate to ask.
It sounds like this is one lesson you should probably chaulk up to experience… make a note…. no more searching through others’ electronic communications for any reson without their consent! Or, at least, if you’re going to do it… just don’t get caught!!
Hmmm…
That is interesting. It seems like some of this issue is really about the fact that we tend to need more accountabality than we want.
In fact we treat accountabality pretty strangely. Almost every other kind of support we offer, we tend to individualize. I realize that some people will tend to need lots of my time. Others will tend to need more empathy from me.
It seems like we have lots of debates with this image that accountablity ought to be one size fits all. I’m not sure that this is wrong. But I’m also not clear why it happens…
why do we vary other aspects of relationship but tend to want to deal in absolutes when it comes to accountabality?
It’s totally correct to observe that none of us should be living lives wherein we’d hide things like our cell phone records from loved ones.
This is a different question though, than does every spouse, friend, etc. have the right to go through others’ cell phones. I think that some people would act all secretive in these cases because they have something to hide. Others, though, might simply feel like the ‘looker’ has the right to be looking…
Hey guys, thanks for the thoughts. I could boil this down, as Jeff and the Uneasy Rider both said in different ways to two things instead of three.
1. Stay away from other peoples stuff (for me)
2. We need accountability (for all of us)
and maybe UR would add a third thing:
3. If I do break #1, don’t get caught!
I see this as an intrusion of privacy similar to reading my snail mail. Even if I don’t have anything to hide, I would still be deeply offended if, for instance, I came on you reading letters friends had written to me. I’m not clear on how texting is substantially different from writing a snail-mail letter: Yes, it may be more instant, more demanding, but that doesn’t change the tone. I’m confident that you wouldn’t casually pick up a friend’s mail and start reading it; nor would you browse through a friend’s email messages if given the opportunity. How are text messages different?
You say: “I now wonder, since there was a big problem with it, if there was something to hide.” Ian put it well: “Just because you don’t want people to see things doesn’t mean you have something to hide.” Expecting privacy in communications does not equal illicit behavior.
Last point: You can’t blame bad behavior on technology. People have been having affairs for thousands of years before cell phones, and the ownership of a phone — or, for that matter, even just a private email account — will never be the cause of an affair. If somebody’s going to do it, they’ll find a way with or without technology.
Your 2nd point is a very valid point Katie. I don’t think that’s what I was doing though. I was simply pointing out that it can be a very reliable “tool” for “doing what I want to do when I want to do it, no matter the consequences.” But you are very accurate in insinuating that it’s a matter of the heart.
As far as the first point, see number 1 of my actual post. This post was not a justification of me looking at this persons phone. I went to some length to point that out. (my exact words) – “I wasn’t reading their text messages, I was simply seeing who they were corresponding with.”
This may be an interesting conversation in the future, because I can’t tell you how many people have come into my apartment or house in the last 9 years without asking, but just walking right in. I’m really not offended at all, save for the fact that I may be not properly dressed for company. This may be more about personality than anything else, because Scripture never really addresses the point of privacy. And if anything, it gives a more authentic “sharing” point of view.
I wonder if it is possible that the person was just caught off guard… Not really having anything to hide just surprised that some one would look through thier things. You say ” I wasn’t reading their text messages, I was simply seeing who they were corresponding with.” I doubt the owner of the phone would think that. They don’t know what you are doing with there thing or what your motives are.
All animals have that initial “sharp” reaction. Dogs bite when intimidated, cats swipe and hiss. It’s natural humans are no exception.
I would probably feel the same way for a moment then I would realize 2 things.
1. I know You aren’t trying to offend me.
2. I have nothing to hide.
Besides it doesn’t have to be a personal thing it could be an embarrassing thing… or perhaps a friend going through something private… I wouldn’t grab you phone or computer and start looking through your messages for that reason. You have pastored hundreds of people. I assume some might text or call with personal issues that they would feel weird or embarrassed about someone else knowing about.
A question for Katie… Would you be upset if he were looking at the return address of unopened mail left on your counter?
I have a question for Katie, too!
“Sorry, Uneasy Rider. Katie has a wonderful husband, so I couldn’t allow the question. Especially in light on our subject matter.” – Marty
i have to side with katie here. its not the idea that i should want to hide something, its your presumptive sense of entitlement. i understand this was your very close friend, so maybe you felt the level of trust in your relationship implied you could look through their messages. but i dont think that person is in the wrong for being upset about it, they assume that you trust them enough not to go looking through their phone for secret affairs.
Isn’t it amazing when something becomes what somethings not about? Welcome to this post!
I’m discovering this thing about non-fiction writing. It’s wierd, because I’ve always been clear about it in terms of fiction.
Have you every seen a movie that started about one character, but then the guy died like 5 minutes into it… it’s like you thought the movie was going to be about X, and then you’re all mad or atleast disoriented, because it turns out that it’s about Y? (I know there’s movies out there but am drawing a blank.)
What I’m discovering is that nonfiction is the same. If the first “scene” of a piece of writing is about an event, this will color how we read the whole thing. Rationally, I get that this event was just an introduction. I know that you have recognized that you shouldn’t have done it. But it’s just like the poorly written movie: that was the character in the first scene, we’re expecting that the whole deal is somehow about him.
By the way, I’m wondering if that was an intentional tip of the hat to Rob Bell, in the end of your last comment Marty… the whole “this
is really about
that”
thing.
In your illustration of the movie Jeff, the writer starts off the first 5 minutes, expecting it to be about x, and then it becomes about Y. In this writing, I expected it to be about Y, and everyone talked about X.
Is the reason really that X is more interesting, or is it that no one really wants to talk about Y? Except of course, Uneasy rider, who talked about both X, Y, and if not mistaken, Z too. My man covered all the bases.
the only thing that went through my mind.. was what if someone picked up my phone or my email or whatever?
do i have reason to hide anything?
if so.. why?
Nothing to hide…. seems I’ve heard that from Dick Cheney… or was it Antonio Gonzales?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoYF1q68OFc
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